I know I’ve been on a splurge of blogging about movies lately but holy guacamole this one takes the cake. For starters, if you haven’t seen it yet, do yourself a favor and go check it out while it’s in theatres.
I could go on and on about how funny the movie is both as a whole and in a myriad of specific scenes. I could comment endlessly on the climactic action and actual character building. Yes. I cried at the end. It was messy.
SPOILERS AHEAD
Instead, I want to offer a unique point of view on the film I started developing the first time I watched it near the start. There’s five characters that make up the Guardians of the Galaxy, and they’re actually just an incredibly dysfunctional D&D party playing in a space setting.
Hear me out.
I developed the theory first when the group is trying to escape prison. Rocket Raccoon highlights a complex plan to bust them out, detailing the parts he’ll need and the order things have to take place. While he’s doing this, Groot (sentient tree fellow) is humorously pulling the escape alarm off the wall to pull out the battery Rocket says he’ll need. Long story short, Rocket is halfway through explaining that they’ll have to get that part last as the alarm goes off and utter chaos ensues.
Rocket sardonically says, “Or we can improvise,” and miraculously, all the characters rush off to perform their roles in the group – flawlessly. It’s disastrous, it’s comical, and it’s the first truly excellent action sequence of the film. Just earlier, the five of them were getting thrown into prison for basically trying to kill one another to achieve selfish cross-purposes. Suddenly they’re working like a well-oiled machine, albeit one that leaves a wake of unplanned pandemonium.
And this is what a D&D party is usually like. A group of characters on a less-than-mystical quest, bickering and trying to pull the campaign in different directions until suddenly the bigger enemy appears and they all realize they’re surprisingly good and fucking shit up together. The next logical step was identifying the underlying characters.
I started with Peter Quill (“Star-Lord”). The movie opens with him thieving a mystical artifact, failing a bluff check and still making it out by the skin of his teeth. Thief class, I thought. But no, because even though he’s definitely somewhat dexterity-based, Gamora serves this function better. She later steals the same artifact from Star-Lord, and is also established as the most badass assassin in the galaxy; to quote, a machine trained to kill. So what is Peter? Off a lucky guess early on I think I pinpointed it: the group’s bard. Yes, I’d agree that he’s cross-classed as some sort of thief or swashbuckler, but any D&D player would recognize how impractical this build is. Bards alone are worth so little in a fight, and to pepper them with risky close combat with all their stats in charisma makes them useful in only the most obscure scenarios.
I mean, who the hell ever does a Perform: Musical Instrument check? NOBODY. And who ever runs into a fight against the enemy bruiser with all his points in charisma and dexterity and min-maxed singing and dancing skills? NOBODY. Is this Star-Lord? Heck yes! While still perfectly capable of holding his own in action sequences, typically the first thing we see is him getting thrown into a wall, knocked onto his back, or tumbling hundreds of yards away. And while this is happening? All the other characters have already incapacitated five dudes each in the first two and a half seconds. He is clearly not spec’d to fight as well as the other characters.
Furthermore, he’s the leader. The notion of a leader of superheroes is silly to me. Why is he the leader, we’re all superpowered ultra-mega whatevers capable of doing our own thing. But in Guardians of the Galaxy he actually serves a function. He’s the only character with charisma. He’s the one who stops the fighting and keeps the party together. He’s (sometimes) inspiring and leading the charge, reconciling arguments AND DOING DIPLOMACY CHECKS. As an avid thief, lying and bartering are what I live for. Recall the prison scene I mentioned? In the middle of the loudest, flashiest, explodiest moment the camera chop cuts to Quill, quietly bartering with a one-legged man to obtain his prosthetic. Comedic gold. Therefore, Star-Lord was a human bard-swashbuckler.
I had my doubts about this pick, as sometimes it can be hard to diagnose a jack-of-all-trades. However, the ending confirmed it. In front of the Big Bad, Destroyer of Worlds, he makes a check to distract the boss. With a DANCE OFF. “Oooh chiiiilllld, things are gonna get easieeer~ Break it down!” The whole audience does a double take. It’s really him…really singing and dancing on camera- oh dear god what is that pelvic thrust move what the fucking hell… That besides, he references several times the Legend of Kevin Bacon and Footloose, and the movie soundtrack is all diegetically attributed to his mix of 70’s pop hits.
The other characters are significantly simpler to place. As I mentioned, Gamora is the assassin, and stereotypically elvish. She’s limber and dexterous but also perfectly capable of separating parts of enemies. She can also bluff (poorly) and steal, but is clearly geared towards combat. Drax is easy – some kind of orcish or dwarven barbarian. He freaking laughs before fights, and proceeds to tear his enemies to shreds. Additionally, he’s quite simple-minded. Rocket Raccoon is distinctly a gnome alchemist or artificer of some sort. He’s the one always fiddling with bits of guns and bombs and generally blowing things up without regard for consequence. Arguably, his lack of empathy earlier in the film and genius aptitude with gadgets is characteristic of gnomes. Groot was the last, and hardest to place, but like Star-Lord, the ending of the film cemented him in my mind as a paladin. Like Drax and Gamora, he’s smashing enemies to bits most of the fights, but several scenes highlight his ability as a tank. He regenerates limbs, can create shields from branches, and protects Rocket from an explosion. Of course, at the end when he shields the other Guardians he’s clearly acting the martyr.
A few other scenes made me absolutely giddy with the relevance to my interpretation. Groot casts holy light to give the party vision in the enemy ship. Star-Lord succeeds a bluff check to keep Yandu from killing him, and again to trick Yandu at the end. Star-Lord more notably succeeds the most ridiculous check of the campaign when he distracts Rowan at the end. Other potential natural twenties or critical failures abound, and spotting them is a great joy.
All that aside, Guardians made me quite happy for other reasons. The film hangs lampshades all over several corny action movie tropes with melodrama or an absolute lack thereof. In the classic “montage followed by slo-mo walk toward the camera, heroes prepared for final confrontation” Gamora is yawning lackadaisically, Star-Lord is wiping his nose on his sleeve, and Rocket Raccoon is adjusting his balls. Perhaps my favourite subtlety of the film is how underhanded all the characters are compared to normal action heroes. When the bad guy has them beaten and on the ground, giving his end-of-the-world monologue, all the Guardians exchange a subtle glance with each other. Rather than rallying to give the bad guy one last what-for, they’re grasping for the knife they’ll stick in his back. In another scene, Gamora is about to throw down with her evil sister in their fated confrontation, but mid-sentence her sister takes a rocket to the face courtesy Drax.
My only complaint is that the bad guy is bland. They do nothing to introduce him, and he has no motivation to destroy the world, some sort of ancestral revenge yadda yadda. It’s like the script was designed for you to stop thinking the moment he starts talking. Interestingly, I don’t think this matters. The movie isn’t about the Guardians killing some dude. He’s irrelevant. The movie is about a group of shallow, crooked losers becoming something greater. They care about themselves first, money second, and nothing third, until they realize that sometimes friends are nice.
If, for nothing else, everyone should watch this movie for the comedy. Every actor, every cinematographer, the director (also the writer), everyone involved in making this film has a sense of comic timing. I expected faltering performances by Bautista and other less relevant characters, and yet they all went on to steal the show. Chris Pratt has all the confidence and panache of Jack Black, Dave Bautista is hilarious, Zoe Saldana wins most badass award, Vin Diesel made me cry, and when Rocket Raccoon is presented with any opportunity for mass destruction he looks SO. FUCKING. HAPPY.
You need to see this movie. I saw it twice in two days and AAAA I want MORE.
Escape! Escape! 
